Speaking of babies...

I think because I have a few friends that just recently had babies they have been on my mind lately. So the other night I had a dream that I was in the hospital and the nurse had handed me my baby and I was in the process of having the baby latch on for their first time feeding. That was the whole dream, just that. For some, this type of dream may be a happy one but for me it was just cruel and mean, reminding me that I will never have the birthing experience or the experience to breast feed my own child. I am happy for my friends that get to experience this but that doesn't take away the pain I feel for that lost privilege of being a mother.


I was talking with someone the other day and they were telling me how there are benefits to not having children and the whole "take my children for a couple of days and you'll be glad that you don't have any." I understand what she was trying to say and she didn't mean any disrespect but the difference between me and her is that she had the CHOICE to have children and I didn't. I wanted to, no, I desired to have children but biologically I can't. I didn't choose that, that is just one of my trails in life.  Can the "benefits" of not having children really be seen as "benefits" if you didn't choose that path in life?

Even though I am excited about adoption and can't wait until we are able to bring home our own special child, I still grieve for the loss of being able to experience the creating a little child, carrying that child for 9 months, birthing that child, and breastfeeding that child. I am grateful for those friends of mine that are able to have babies and don't have to go through my struggle; I would never wish this upon anyone. But if you happen to see me tearing up when holding your baby or when I am attending your baby shower don't worry because I am happy for you. The best way to help me is to keep inviting me to baby showers, keep inviting me to hold your precious little babies, and keep letting me be apart of your family.

What's going on...

I recently was invited to a baby shower and this is the gift I made for her nursery. Her colors were green, white, and pink. I think it turned out pretty well.

I just recently had a birthday, I am now officially 32! Wow how time flies. I can't believe I am that old. I have been wanting a new dress for a while so for my birthday Robert bought me a dress. I absolutely love it. It is bright with tons of color, which I love, and it is super long so even when I put on my highest high heels it still touches the ground. I have I mentioned that I love it!!

This past weekend we went to San Diego to visit friends that are graduating and to see my friends new little baby. She is so cute and I got to change her diaper and hold her for quite a while considering both grandparents were there also. Isn't she precious! I just absolutely love babies and am so happy for my friends that are having babies.

Walking

This week so far has been great. Every morning Robert has gotten up and walked with me. They have been shorter walks then I would like but needless to say, we are walking. It is nice to spend time with my husband before he has to go to work. I am grateful that he is willing to get up earlier to walk with me. :)

Sneak Peak of my Next Craft

So recently a friend of mine and me have been getting together once a week and watching one of our favorite movies while starting craft projects or finishing craft project we started a long time ago. Our movies of choice right now are the Anne of Green Gables Series, which I love and happen to own all three movies.

Now that I finished my painting I decided to finish a quilt that I started 7+ years ago. I had done most of the squares before but here is a peak of what I finished so far:

This is going to take me longer than three movies but I am determined to finally finish this thing. It won't be pretty or even strait but it will be mine and that is good enough for me.

My Try at Being Artistic

Those people that know me know that I am good at cooking but in the craft/art department I am lacking. Since I have joined Pinterest I have had the desire to break out of my shell a little more and experiment on being more crafty and artsy (which is a huge step for me). A while ago, while looking on Pinterest, I came across a painting that I loved done by Two Girls Being Crafty blog and thought, I could do that, so I decided to try it out and it turned out awesome. It makes me want to do some more experimenting.

What I used:

 

• A canvas  (I just used one I had laying around the house)
• White or Cream acrylic paint (I used white because I thought it would look better with the colors I was using)
• Brown acrylic paint (Two Girls Being Crafty used an Brown acrylic paint pen) 
• Acrylic paint in colors of your choice (I picked Spring colors but if you go to the Two Girls Being Crafty blog she used more Fall colors)
• Round sponge brushes used for stenciling (I used 50% off coupon at Michaels and bought Martha Stewart Foam Pouncers Set)
• Paint brushes, different sizes 

First, I painted the whole canvas with the white acrylic paint to give it a good base.

Then came the really hard part for me, I painted on the branches with the brown acrylic paint and used a few different types and sizes of brushes to give the branches different looks.

This step was the scariest part for me because I really have no artistic talent but it worked out in the end.

I just kept painting branches until I felt I had the look I was looking for. Next time, I think I will try drawing the branches with an brown acrylic paint pen.

Once I was happy with my branches, I got ready to start the fun part, putting on the color. Since I don't own a palette, I just used on of my ceramic salad plates but if you have a paper plate use that, less clean up. Then I just put round globs of paint on my plate and started adding colorful circles until I was satisfied.  

I almost stopped here because I liked the simpleness of the painting and I was worried that I might over do it with the colorful circles, but I am glad that I didn't stop and kept adding more.

And here is the finished product. I am very proud of myself. I really like the colors and the way it turned out. At first I wasn't that happy with the branches but now with all the color on the canvas the branches don't look that bad. After finishing this painting I am craving to try more artsy projects.   

Adoption Orientation

So today we went to the Riverside County Adoption Orientation. It was from 9am - 2pm and by 2pm we were ready to leave. We found out some very interesting information and hopefully some good and some hard, not bad, news.

• SO they will not accept our foster license from San Diego County, so we do have to do all of that all over. The way the lady explained it is that even thought it says it is issued from the state of California, it's not, even though it is essentially the same. It is complicated but bottom line is that it has to be issued from this state worker here in Riverside.
  
• There is only one state worker that licenses foster homes in Riverside....so that means that right now she is already booked until May. But before you can even start your process you have to get "accepted" before they will even work with you (totally different in SD). So they won't even send/give you your finger scans paper (which you have to pay for here) work until they accept you, which it takes up to a month to be accepted. Add that to only one state worker and it becomes a messy and long process just to get licensed and that has nothing to do with the County who are the ones that actually place the children in your home.
• SO the County may, may, accept some of our pride classes....may! If they don't then we will have to go to a class 3 hours a week for 11 weeks, that is another 3 months added! But we are crossing our fingers that they will accept some of the classes, so we can cut down our hours.
• The do not host anything on Saturday and because both people have to be there, Robert has to take off work ever time we get inspected or have trainings during the day.
  
• The bedroom has to be cleared of anything other than the crib/bed, car seat, and a dresser. The closet has to be empty. The room can only store the child's stuff and nothing else.
  
• We have to get a land line phone and they will not budge on that (in SD cell phones were ok).
• The state worker here is a lot more strict than the one on SD. She is going to be a stickler, but she sounds nice.
• We have to pay for our own CPR/ First aid classes.
• We have to get a carbon dioxide monitor.
• This state work hates guns so....We HAVE to buy a safe, not just trigger locks, to lock them up and lock up the ammo in a separate area, no biggy, but costly.
  
• The County workers didn't talk very much so we still don't know what we will have to do for them other than fill out paper work and the 33 hours of pride classes, interviews, and house study also.
• Good thing: we don't need dog license
• The list goes on and on but I don't want to bore you with all the details....
  

I haven't talked with Robert yet about this but I think this time I would like to get license for 2 to 3 children. Even though I don't know if we would take three at once (I would secretly love it) I feel that we should keep our options open. I also think I want to open our age range to 0 - 5 years, before it was only 0 - 2 years. I hope buy opening up the age range and the amount of children that we could possible adopt a sibling set, wouldn't that be awesome.

Ok, I need to stop because talking about this gets me thinking and then I get overwhelmed with those things that I cant change.

Overall, I am very excited to get started again. I am not blinded in the fact that this process in going to take forever and will be tedious, but I am just glad to be progressing in a forward manner.

LIfe and Adoption Update

In other news, Corona is good. I really miss my friends sometimes but I am grateful that Robert has a job. I have been looking into getting a part-time job while I finish my Masters classes but I haven't been successful yet. Unfortunately, with having to drive up to an hour away for classes and having the nights of the classes change every 9 weeks makes it hard to find a job; what I really need is a job that only requires me to work in the mornings and afternoons but not the nights...mmm well I will figure it out.

I am excited for next week because we will be going to our first Riverside adoption orientation meeting so we can start figuring out what will have to be done here in Riverside to get on the adoption list. I know that it will probably take another year before we are on the list but at least we will be doing something and that makes me feel much better.

Other than that school keeps me busy but I still choose to procrastinate, like normal. I like school be I am almost to the point were I feel like I need a break. I was planning on being done by this summer but the classes didn't align up so it looks like I might not get done until the end of this year! At this point I know I want to finish but keeping up that motivation is getting harder and harder. I am just not sure quite were I am taking my path in life is were I want to go. I really feel the urge to be a stay home mom but I have no children to stay home with? Does that make sense? I just feel a bit crazy and torn because I know that I wont even be on a list for children for at least a year and then it could take up to two year or more to receive a child, so the best thing for me is to finish my education but....

Oh, well. Isn't interesting how our lives turn out. I had always imagined that I would get married by 20 and have 5 children before 30. I ended up going on a mission and not getting married until I was 23, which turned out to be a blessing because the mission is were I found the man that I know was supposed to be my husband. I will be 32 this year and still no children(that is a story for another time), now I am hoping and praying for children before I turn 35.

I understand that the Lord has a plan for me but sometimes I wish I was able to see a peek of that plan. Sometimes, even though I know I trust the Lord I doubt myself because I am scared, afraid, lonely, sad, feeling forgotten, or just plain angry. I do understand that those are just ways that Satan tries to tear me down and pull me away from my Heavenly Father but at times it can be hard not to fall.

I guess what I am saying is that I don't know what the Lord has in store for my life but even with the bad times I am willing to trust in Him and His plan, whatever it may be.